My gyro intake has increased 7,000% since moving to Chicago.

• Mom: Your dad is going to buy his own computer tomorrow.
• Me: That's cool. So he can learn the ebay?
• Mom: Yeah. He says mine is too slow.
• Me: Dad thinks your computer is too slow?
• Mom: Yeah.
• Me: Dad's used a computer like...three times. Ever. If yours is too slow for him then it makes me feel like it's been dead for awhile.

Made a greasy 24-hr diner breakfast this morning with the sole intention of enjoying cold leftovers later on for dinner. Mission accomplished.

What’s funny is that I am watching Eternal Sunshine and I thought to myself mcromance would be a good tumblr url. And then upon brief research I discovered that a) the name is taken and b) it’s a My Chemical Romance blog.

Fucking black parade.

Idea for a film: a man travels back in time to prevent the first shitty kid from wearing pajamas in public.

While cleaning my room I looked out my window and saw a stray dog run up to the catholic church, piss on the door, and run away. And I put down my garbage bag and applauded.

I feel like you can determine how much you truly hate yourself by the amount of question marks you see in your head when netflix asks, Are you still watching Arrested Development?